The Very Secret Diary of the notsoMarySue
by Mayachild
Summary: My own little take off on the whole 'secret diaries' phenomenon. Complete with pretentious names, elven twiglets and the ever present strawberry bubble bath.


Authors Note: Wrote this in a fever of admiration for Cassie Claire (go read her stuff!). Turante and her Mary Sue cousin are mine but that's all. That and the whore of Gondor. Please read and review!  
  
The Very Secret Diary of Turanté  
  
Day 1  
  
Got myself invited to Rivendell. Mainly did this to escape goddamn cousin Earélia swooning over a certain elf prince of Mirkwood- but also for party food provided at Elrond's council- Elven twiglets simply divine.  
  
Day 4  
  
Arrived looking stunning in sparkly tiara. Elrond obviously jealous- go me! Says he hopes I can persuade Arwen to get over her Pervy Hobbit Fancier of a boyfriend. Am surprised. Did not realise Aragorn was in Rivendell. Did not realise Arwen was so desperate.  
  
Day 5  
  
Suspicions confirmed. Caught her flirting with Gimli. Arwen definitely desperate. Or blind. Cannot be certain which.  
  
Day 7  
  
Boring Ass Council of Elrond. Was so bored throughout the whole meeting have accidentally become pervy hobbit fancier. Well had to do something. Also accidentally volunteered to go on some sort of quest to Mordor. Don't ask me. Was too busy developing fixation with hobbits.  
  
Actually, mostly with Frodo. All right especially Frodo. Ok, only Frodo.  
  
What is this, the Spanish inquisition?  
  
Day 8  
  
Banded together with Aragorn to seduce the ringbearer, Hurrah!  
  
Day 9  
  
All right, own up- who stole my strawberry bubble bath? Legolas Greenleaf, I'm looking at you!  
  
Day 11 Bugger. Eärélia turned up at last minute. Now no one can get into the bathroom, as she is constantly adjusting her eyeliner. And just when Sam had finished bathing Frodo for sixth time. Still, am slightly comforted. Now can remind her what her name really means.  
  
Day 14  
  
Earwax is still pining. Hee Hee. V.tempted to send anonymous letter, enclosing the photo of Legolas getting frisky with Glorfindel whilst wearing grass skirts and seashell bras at their high school reunion. Hope I can find it in my album. Have heard people die during particularly frightening nightmares so hope I do not find the picture of Aragorn in his hooker costume. At least, assumed it was a costume. Ick.  
  
Day 17  
  
Finally leaving Rivendell. Both indistinguishable back up hobbits seem very keen to leave. Positively raced out of the gates, especially when some of Arwen's handmaidens started to call from the windows. Am beginning to worry about the positive pregnancy tests I found in Calime and Marilla's dressing room last night.  
  
Day 18  
  
Sensed malevolent presence near us. Is possibly Gollum or even orcs? Asked Gandalf who replied that there were worse things than orcs.  
  
Oh crap. So Eärélia has decided to follow us.  
  
Day 20  
  
Aragorn and Boromir had massive b**ch slap over who gets to carry Frodo up Caradras. Humans so petty. Both ended up knocked out cold so eventually carried ringbearer myself, steadfastly ignoring Sam's attempts to bite my ankles.  
  
Day 22  
  
Arrived in Moria. Utter darkness produces ideal environment for Gandalf to try and grab a feel- as if!  
  
Day 23  
  
Feel slighted. No one gets my 'Frodo has PMS joke. Oh come on. Pippin, Merry and Sam? Yeah, I thought so. Some people just don't deserve my conversation.  
  
Day 25  
  
Gandalf does realise I'm a maiden of virtue true, doesn't he?  
  
Right?  
  
Right?  
  
Day 26  
  
Depressed. Almost fell for horn of Gondor pick up line in moment of weakness. Will probably die of shame if Boromir talks. Still, perhaps will mean nothing new to rest of fellowship.  
  
Day 27  
  
Have taken revenge on Boromir. Re-wrote inscription on his horn to read 'Whore of Gondor.'  
  
Day 29  
  
Am V.V.scared. Have found several death threats and a severed ewe's head in my backpack. Suspect Sam is not altogether pleased with my attempts to seduce Frodo. On plus side- Aragorn now has the excuse to make sheep's head stew.  
  
Day 34  
  
Arrived in Lothlorien. Galadriel obviously bored with trophy husband Celeborn. Must remind her that flirting with your granddaughter's boyfriend not very good idea. Inviting ring bearer to bathe in your mirror not v.good idea either. Especially when Legolas is already in there.  
  
Day 36 Attacked by orcs today. Not actually all that bothered as have super-duper fighting skills. Is also chance to shoot Sam and pretend it was an accident. Unfortunately, Boromir also dead, but suppose it cannot be helped. In last living breath muttered something about Frodo and Sam eloping to Mordor- am praying he was delirious.  
  
Apparently not. Managed anger by taking out resulting rage and frustration on Boromir's body. Therapy seems to have worked well. Subsequently hurled the corpse over massive waterfall.  
  
Day 37  
  
Sigh. Stuck on arduous journey with two Barbie dolls, dwarf with miracle- grow facial features and a man whose hobbies include stalking hobbits and skinning squirrels. Wish my tent had a door so I could lock it.  
  
AN: NOW GO AND REVIEW OR I WILL HOLD THE REST TO RANDSOM! 


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